My first post from Cary, NC.
Let me tell you, life is not easy. Good, but not easy. I am glad we moved here, and I see signs that it will be worth it. I like it. I like our house, our neighborhood, the family near by, and what I have seen so far of the surroundings. I like the new furniture in our house, the view into the woods, the flowers on the table. But I am longing for home. It doesn’t feel like home yet. I remember this kind of lost, un-tethered feeling from other moves.
The hardest part is that at the same time there is so much stuff to be done, and we’ve been going non-stop for weeks now, experiencing profound change, and I haven’t been taking stock of my personal inventory of emotions. So it all builds up inside and I feel awful and not sure why until I make myself sit down and pray and self-examine for awhile. And I have a hard time giving myself the green light to “feel” all the negative stuff. My pep-talk voice is notorious for kicking in and telling me why I shouldn’t. “After all,” it pipes up, “you’re not a refugee in Sudan. You’re not fleeing bombs in Syria. You don’t have any right to feel this way. Look at how blessed you are! Praise God! Dwell on your blessings!”
The problem to listening to Miss Pep-Talk is she is twisting the truth. Yes, I am glad I am not a refugee. But this is how I feel whether you like it or not, Lady. And I can still praise God and feel like crap inside. He doesn’t want me to stuff it down and just sing Him la la la life is lovely songs. See, I am pretty sure He wants me to Know Myself. Know who he made me, not pretend I am something I am not or try to clone myself into one of the people I look up to. But I don’t Know Myself very well. Sometimes I think some of you out there know me better than I know me. I want to be known. In the story of Hagar and Abraham in the Bible, Hagar runs out in the desert to flee Abraham’s mad wife Sarah and finds God. She says to Him ““You are the God who sees me.” I want to be fully seen, inside, by Him, and by me. And I want others to know me too, not hide myself and clam up. When I meet new people, as I have a lot these days, I find that I don’t talk about myself much. I ask them questions. I turn the conversation back to them, because I am afraid that if I talk too much, share myself too much, they will think all I care about is talking about Me Me Me. But then I end up not feeling very known. And I don’t do this with just new people, you might have noticed that I do it with you too. I have a very hard time sharing myself, and when I do, I feel like I’ve been talking too much and you won’t like me.
This is hard stuff. And of course, very few people here know me for the simple reason that I am new. I never like this new phase of moving somewhere. It takes such a long time to really connect with people, and know them, and be known by them. I think I don’t ever really feel like it’s home until I have that.